she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
