I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
