Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
