I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
