WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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