I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
