I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
