So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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