Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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