We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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