i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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