I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So apparently I’m into choking now
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