i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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