he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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