I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
