i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Someone came in the potted fern
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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