I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
