You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
