Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Welp...herpes.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
