Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
