..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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