she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
