I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
