Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
