She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
