i used baking grease as lip gloss
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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