dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
don't judge my taste in strippers
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
