My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
