I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
