my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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