dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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