omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
