he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
