Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize