You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
