So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize