You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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