I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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