I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
