It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
