wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just google imaged poop.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
