I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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