Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
