i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
