You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
