If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
