Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
