I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
