I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
