I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My vagina is officially offended.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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