I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
