I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
