At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Pooping to opera.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
