nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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