I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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