tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
