I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
