Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Bring me that man meat
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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