The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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