dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
