There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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