I didn't shave. On purpose
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
